The truth about elves and gnomes (and all the other little people)

By Elf #7

I need to get this off my chest.

I tried ignoring it but it just happens too often. Please stop confusing us elves with other little people. We are not gnomes (god forbid!), we are not leprechauns, we are not dwarves, we are not trolls, we are not hobbits, we are not goblins, we are not Smurfs.

I do not know Snow White, I don't like Lucky Charms, I will not chase after a ring and no, Gargamel has nothing against me.

Just to make sure you don't make the same mistake again, let me make the differences clear:

Gnomes

Mostly male, bearded and grumpy, gnomes have no sense of humor. Can't blame them though - hanging out in gardens all the time will kill my sense of humor too.
Famous gnomes: Amelie's traveling garden gnome, the annoying gnomes in Harry Potter  

Dwarves



They are short, unattractive and have a soft spot for fair-skinned women who eat poisoned apples.
Famous dwarves: Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Bashful


Leprechauns



Personally, I like leprechauns. They are Irish, cheerful and mischievous. They are very rich too, they hide gold everywhere, making them a target for humans. I was surprised they allowed themselves to be plastered on cereal boxes. It's not like they need the cash.
Famous leprechauns: the Lucky Charms guy, Conan O' Brien


Goblins



Evil, crabby, grotesquely disfigured, annoying creatures. I beat one up a couple of years back. Needless to say, we are not friends with them.
Famous goblins: None so far (and I'm not surprised)


Imps



Mischievous little demons who serve witches.
Famous imps: None either (and I'm glad)


Hobbits



Inhabitants of middle-earth who eat at least seven meals a day. (I like that part.)
Famous hobbits: Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Peregrin Took, Merladoc Brandybuck


Trolls



Little people with weird costumes and crazy hair in all colors of the rainbow. There are giant trolls as well - but since you will never confuse them with us, we don't need to talk about them.
Famous trolls: The Russ trolls


Smurfs



They're blue. And, if rumors are true, they're about to make a comeback.
Famous Smurfs: Papa Smurf, Smurfette


Chucky



My, don't even get me started. That murderous freak killed Elf #36. Poor  guy never had a chance.
Famous Chuckys: There's only one, thank god.


Elves


Adorable, intelligent, incredibly sexy little people who live in boxes, sell cameras, party a lot (when the Head Elf is a way) and survive on jello shots.
Famous elves: The Oh Shoot! Elves